Hey guys it’s me. Guess what? Well, I’ve been trying to figure that out for a long time. What exactly is it about life that is compelling me to continue on? I may have found my very own answer: that is to found knowledge. There’s something deeper than just exploring an infinite world. The real focus is about the journey and, not only that, but the fact that it will never end. THAT is how you gain a following, THAT is how you become driven, and THAT is how you justify your purpose. It’s about that journey you take. I’m an adventurer, a journeyer, I move around other people. I’m part of a flowing system with other adventurers. That is what makes the current of the world flow.
You may have the will, drive, intent, motivation, and desire to never stop – but WHAT will you never stop doing? WHAT is your choice? Unfortunately, that’s all I have time for today. Until next time – J
Huzzah! Many days have passed since I began the expedition. Like a light, I was off. Conversely, I was on! I made my way through the tangled webs we weave, and in the distance I saw a clearing. A vast open circle! Again I come to this place where all is peaceful. Danger can be seen before it ever comes too close – that’s what life is, isn’t it? A game of advantage? So, take what is yours and leave none for the weak, until you need someone to feast on – that’s why you raise them up, hmm?
Hmm? What is this? Competition. I need them as much as they need me, but they take up resources. If perhaps we could arrange an agreement to be at peace, we could battle each other, learning the other’s strengths and weaknesses just enough that a personal victory could be declared, we could part ways and heal up again, consuming all the resources we attained for our cause, our liberation, freedom to explore the limits of man (who would argue with us?), to be the tip of the spear that pierces the beast of the unknown! Ha-ha!
The prowl – a luminary stance, for he bears the torch to light the darkness, and in his other hand – the open palm! to retrieve what the darkness has been hiding from us. The value is unlimited (until a timely demise), the potential to advance means that all who came before us were not in vain, that their contributions were worth it – all who leapt into the well of knowledge were cold before they made the leap (their actions led up to its climax), and once submerged did they realize that it was even colder in its waters.
Your humanity! Please, take it with you! Enlighten the darkness! We’re a small part of what’s out there, after all (we’re in its world), so don’t let the thread connecting you back to us break. Only if we shine bright enough for you to see us will you come back, only if we have something worth coming back for. Out there in the darkness one can so easily forget. Hunt! Stand! Liberate!
It is only you! Nobody follows you! Bear the torch! You thought it was safer out here, away from the monsters that look like you, but now you can’t see even the monsters that lie in front of you! Snarl! Acknowledge, that’s the first step to becoming conscious! You have a home, one that is bright and full of colors! A place that is rigid, a place identified, a place that, like this one, was once dark! Make your way! The darkness calls to you for a reason (to share your message of where you came)! Reach through life and grab its hand, it embraces you, it is impressionable, so YOU have the advantage!
Darkness. The place where you have the advantage, a voice, the power to identify, to clarify, to ward, to fight, to break, to bond, to trust, to lead or support (that is up to you), to venture, to declare, to create, to love, to prosper, to laugh and grieve, to fill this world with everything human, to give, to share, to own, to leave, again into the darkness. Everything remains as long as you take hold of your crown, the birthplace of your fantastical realm, the oceans churn within you and move you to dry land, and the sky shines to reveal to you that, it too, is a light in the darkness.
The mental landscape that we traverse day in and day out bears a lasting effect on our character. I believe that it is a direct reflection of who we are in the real world. This is what I go through – a mental battle of darkness and light, unknown and known, primal and refined. If I check my ego at the door, I’m just a regular human being. Any one of us can be heroes (any one of us can be dead meat), and that’s where our power comes from. Kudos to you for making it this far ~
I would go through episodes voluntarily, as if some reward waited for me at the end.
But all that came was a false reality. I was literally running programs.
And the worst part was that I physically acted out these episodes until they were over, sparing no humility. I humiliated myself because I thought it was right, but my program was wrong, the only reason I kept going down these pathways was because they were the paths of least resistance – it was easy – but the problem was that I always reached a point of depression.
So that’s where following your thoughts gets you. It either gets you in trouble or nowhere at all. The reason is because the vision in our head does not always line up with life’s funny intricacies. We have to constantly be battling what bothers us. If we allow negative things to come into our lives, that is the side we’ll become polarized with. I’ll tell you, following your thoughts down the rabbithole gets you nowhere but depressed and alone. You need a reality to post up with. If all you follow are dreams, you’ll knock down the pillars that hold up reality. Point said.
I used to get so involved with things that bothered me because I was convinced I could make things right. All that did was leave me broken, and the problem was still there! Now, when we try to fix things, we might go to great lengths to ensure it get’s done. Anybody ever detail the inside of a car from start to finish? Well, I’ll tell you I have and my arms were starting to get real shaky at the end. I ran out of sugar – I didn’t nurture myself. What could have been an enjoyable chore turned out to be something I never wanted to do again! So that’s why we should nurture ourselves, so we can keep up with our busy, busy lives and come back the next day!
So, before every thought I had today I asked myself “do I want an episode out of this?” or, “is this an episode?”. Constantly I was on this, all day. But it worked! My entire day went smoothly because I was watching my moods. When I realized that my moods were just reactions to situations, I never made the opportunity for a situation to come up! It’s really that simple!
That’s all I have for you today, folks. I’m leaning toward focusing this blog as a recovery from depression page. I always wanted to see somebody’s real journey from depressed to successed (coined) so I guess I’ll just have to be the one that goes ahead and does it!
As a closer:
You cannot ignore what’s around you. You can’t just “watch an episode” and have it be okay in the end. No, our actions have repercussions.
Have you ever wondered just what real change looks like? Below you can check out the phases/stages I went through.
Step 1 – I Realized the Need for Change
Once I realized that I needed to change, I began taking small actions. I made sure they were noticeable – getting rid of a chair made me able to see the other side of my room. In this way I primed myself for a big change that I was going to make. Think of it like a farmer’s field; if you don’t put in the work, youdon’tgeta crop at the end of the year. Like a garden, you must water it everyday if you expect to get a delicious juicy tomato.
Another thing I did was eliminate distractions. Bye, bye, Facebook. For many, this is where the journey for change ends. If you really want to succeed in the future, you have to sacrifice the present. The alternative is something all too familiar, like a cousin who’s been couch surfing way too long – and his name is Mediocrity.
Step 2 – I Built the Courage to Change
The first rule of change – don’t be afraid of it. Let me explain.
If you were to open up a business, how would you go about doing that? You’d probably take all the necessary steps up until you hit a roadblock. What’s the roadblock? Ding ding ding! That’s right! It’s change!
I’m telling you how we may sacrifice the greater good due to fear.
Be courageous by knowing fear. Then conquer it. You are the master of your life, after all.
The personal relation to my life is my anxiety of large gatherings. Parties, fairs, jobs. After a long depression, I realized I always had this fear, however I was much more energetically capable to pull off a confrontation when I was younger. Requiring a steady job has forced me to confront my fears daily – no more backing out, I had to build the courage. Life hit me in the face like a mass-extinction comet. Since the old way of living wasn’t going to work anymore, I had to buckle up and embrace the onslaught of changes head-on.
Step 3 – I Implemented Change
Change is scary, AND you don’t have to be afraid of it.
I always wanted to laugh really hard at something somebody did or said. My deeply-engrained prejudices always held me back. It’s like there’s a boundary between; first, what they did, second; some set of old, complex, and useless thoughts, and finally; a skewed representation of how I really felt about the event. That has been my life up until now. It sucks, and it’s time to change.
Life is too short not to laugh, slap a knee, and appreciate other people.
Every day I tried rewiring my old programming, moving into rather than away from change. Very slowly I began to get used to things that were not apart of my life before, but that I needed, like close physical connection.
Step 4 – Getting Used to Change
Once I realized that change is an important and integral part of growth, I got used to it. I just said, “okay sure, change me up.” Change is everywhere in life. I’m sure you can look back and see all the major moments in your life that were the results of change.
I’ve also had times where I recognized that change comes and goes. It’s exciting, really.
Take a look at this picture I took of an open door. It was like it was calling me.
That’s my room. And I live in a very erratic household. My big change is going to be to leave.
Step 5 – Maintaining Change
Maintaining is the fun part because it is like a challenge. It’s like a way of forging your character.
The key to maintaining your new life is to find things that you enjoy. It sounds cheesy and it’s true. For me, it’s writing and researching or simply looking up what a word means and then keeping that in mind for a while. I also found out that I need to stimulate my brain intellectually because of my love for education, so I listen to the classic writers or read more contemporary non-fiction. To maintain change, you must never leave behind your joys.
There are ups and downs in life. When you’re down low, try to remember the power that change has and use it as a tool. Sometimes the cost of change is great, and other times it doesn’t cost much. The fact that change is a part of life is a testament to embrace it more fully.
Note for struggling individuals: If you are experiencing toxicity in your life, I can’t express enough the fact that you change your situation. If you can’t determine if you’re in a toxic relationship or not, I’m going to tell you from experience that if you think you are – you are. Don’t make the mistake I did and spend years trying to be the backbone of something that is trying to break you down.
No matter where you are, you always have the ability to give. To be honest, that’s how I was able to change. I kept giving my best to people and eventually, all the good parts they saw in me were reflected back to me. I had a very poor self-image. That’s why it’s crucial to make connections outside of your comfort zone. On the same hand it did take around 6 months to start seeing results. So stick with it for a while. You can do it. It really is worth the effort.
Thank you for reading! I want to be able to open up to my audience, because I want my audience to open up to me. Therefore if you are having any questions, concerns, doubts or fears do not hesitate to reach out to me. I made that mistake going through hardships. My email is on my Contact page.
Hi, and welcome to my site. After many months of thinking, I finally made the decision to start a blog. The goal here is to document my journey with an avoidant personality disorder. I’m determined to find out if this thing can be conquered, and I’m going to upload everything I can to help scientists develop a greater understanding of such an apparently rare condition. It would be my honour to pose as a testament for a functioning afflicted individual. That being said, it is going to be a very challenging endeavour for me to be brutally honest about my day-to-day experiences and thoughts, but one adage rings true: the truth will set you free. For twenty-three years I’ve been challenged by the unexplainable. It seems only logical to adopt this as a gift, then, a “thorn in my side,” to make me more resilient.
Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then I am strong.
2 Corinthians 12:10
In life there are many pains, while some of them are too great to bear. I always say: the tree that knew not of the wind knew not of his roots.
Beginning today I will post updates on my journey through life. It won’t be easy. It will be extremely difficult for me. I will heave and ho, I’ll even scream and shout. My soul will cower in fear. My heart will race like a hummingbird. My strength will some day rise, like the noonday sun.
To give you a rundown of what having a personality disorder is like, it looks like this: most people have an edge, I have a doorway. There is no boundary to me. Nothing sets me apart. I absorb a person’s depression, joy, anger, psychosis, hate, and love. I am …
Trust me, no one else on this earth is more disappointed in themselves than I am. I am a fury, the judge of my actions. My mind is apart from my soul, my body is caught in warfare. How could I not be fury manifest?
Well, there is hope. What is it for me? Come see for yourself.