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My thoughts for the year 2020 and future years


  1. Setting up mathematics and consciousness (“running” the program of life)
  2. Understanding the significance of being alive
  3. Spontaneous existence (music)
  4. /The universe/ as a recurring event (actually a dualiverse or infiniverse)
  5. Comments and concerns

1. Setting up mathematics and consciousness (“running” the program of life)

The greatest time of my life was when I was 23 years old, lying on my floor baked, wondering what to do. I hate other people so I rarely value an outside opinion. It makes for a hard time when you’re trying to communicate with people.

Putting it all into first-person now — This is the good stuff. Right here. Music playing in the background while it rides to the beat. Music sometimes is better company than people. It took me a while to learn that.

And, I whittle away at the grand sculpture of my universe. Behind the ethereal curtain I lay my lines out before me, my coordinates lining up with not only the earth, but other celestial bodies. See, we’re not staying still in space, we’re actually hurling in a direction. On a graph, you could plot our earth’s trajectory. That means we’re energetically charged and full of life at all times. Make movements that compliment the universe’s movements, and you will flourish. The only information you ever need is where you are and when you are.

Since we’re hurling through space, it means that we’re never in the same place any two times in the universe (although paradoxically, it could happen theoretically). That means that in each moment of our lives, we are charged with the movement of particles that pass right through us as we hurl through space. These little guys are called quarks, and they are fascinating things. My knowledge isn’t vast on them yet, though.

2. Understanding the significance of being alive

The significance of this find is the value it holds in benefitting humanity. If more people thought this way then we would all be a bit more efficient and eager to work in a system. Grandiosely, I am uniting the world. Minutely, I am spewing garbage out of my mind. Either way, something’s gotta give.

A universal language is something I’ve dreamed about since I made up codewords for things with my brother. I loved Dora the Explorer. I loved people with accents. I listened closely when people spoke in their native tongues. Sound is the most powerful thing in my entire life. My nose is perpetually clogged up and my eyesight isn’t great. Primarily, I rely on sound. Listening to music is my favourite experience in the world.

Making music is a dream of mine. In fact, I’ve been playing around with it for about 5 years. Most of the stuff I never post because I’m afraid people will judge it harshly. Another reason is because I don’t feel comfortable recording voice over my stuff! And I’m a perfectionist.

Another thing I like to do is create worlds. I love MineCraft. I have been playing it since its alpha stages. That is a place where I can actually let my perfectionism shine. Creating art has been something I’m obsessed with for the vast majority of my life. There is something so unique to art that it occupies an entire region in my head. The other side holds everything like logic and formulas. I’m passionate about both. The ideas of everything that could be made are held in he mathematical side, and everything the human mind has ever witnessed is there in the artistic side. It perfectly represents our inner- and outer-world constructs as humans.

3. Spontaneous existence (music)

Again, music comes into play here, where music acts as the formula from the logical side being instantaneously drawn out by the artistic side. It truly is a fantastic phenomenon. The same can be seen in spontaneous laughter, play, and joy or even fear and sadness. To every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. But to every action, there is an initial acting force. Truly then, for every move we make, there is meaning held within those movements. Whether the interpretation comes out as accurate is all up for debate, unless it is so undeniably true, like laughter, that it can be widely presumed that an event was justified as “natural” and “purely occuring”, perhaps as a coping mechanism for all doubt placed upon the survival of the human race.

But maybe there is no reason behind anything in the universe. For one thing, I don’t believe a conscious being created the entire universe by way of a giant bang. I think it’s more likely that two hydrogen atoms collided with each other at the very start of the universe. I think that the universe as it is today is a spontaneous reaction to something that had occurred before it. Before time, before anything ever was, there could have been another yardstick, another ruler. Maybe one of the “rulers” is gravity, and it crossed-over into our reality as ours suffered self-awareness, amplifying my point behind a collision theory. Because what is now known was once unknown. Literally, the universe occurred before it began. That narrows it down to two possibilities: Existence occurred instantaneously, or there was a period of existence that came before it. The former being a 0,1,2,3, … + universe that holds infinite possibilities. The latter would mean that its time scale is either infinite in and of itself, or belongs to another timeline. Let’s say for the sake of example that the “reoccurring universe” is finite. That means that if our universe is one that came as the result of another passing, there are actual limites within the possibilities in our universe. Because everything that has ever occurred, already has, given the fact that time is infinite. But if time is infinite, that means that our universe could never come to a close and complete its cycle as a dual perpetuator. In conclusion, time is not then infinite. It means that there will be an end to everything, and also a beginning to all things once again.

4. The universe as a recurring event (actually a dualiverse or infiniverse)

The understanding and the development of that knowledge introduces a mind to a radical connection to the universe it exists within. All animals are tame, and all are wild. All numbers end when time depletes. And life is just death backwards. Numbers become the foundation of a conscious mind as it organizes the patterns of the universe. An arrangement of 2’s may make up the cognital-information code that clues in the mind to structure a variety of blues in its reality. Logically speaking, that is a very intelligent thing to do. For the human, all blues are now laid out in its universe. The same goes for all things that are learned. For instance, a fight or flight response is a packet of information that is recieved in a unique, never-before-seen state that could alter the connections with the interior brainwork. As a side note, this is why things that are life-threatening heighten our senses to take in new information, to scan things in its environment that may match with the interior make up of the brain, if that’s the case, a reaction may be set in place to make up that packet of information’s place in the individual’s universe, if the code lines up, a more beneficial outcome can be introduced. If one never organizes their mental mathematics then they will be confronted with less valuable information, because they will endlessly be faced with the same or similar packets of information that they have yet to code into their programming. This is the human mind at its best. Until all information is categorized in the mind, it will be at the bane of numbers. The mind will fill its life with lottery tickets, cigarettes and alcohol, other drugs, erotica, and other number cycles that perpetuate one’s process of processing. Death is a harsh mistress, and it acts as a finality to ones search for code. A useless mind will self-destruct, purging all data along with its corpse. Genetic information can still be recovered, but intellectual information is lost. For the intellect acts on the intellectual. Life began before it knew it. Therefore, as one introduces ideas into the world, it perpetuates. It has always been “out there”, yet it is never close enough to become. As we draw in the outer reaches of our knowledge we introduce the universe to itself, we discover that the world could be infinite, and perhaps that the universe is completely indifferent to us despite all of its workings within us.

Is that what you want? For there to be a force that is on our side and not the “other?” If so, then you disrupt the balance of the world. As above, so below. Pluck a guitar string and see for yourself.

Any state of matter that is in movement generates a reality. Take for example a jittering hammer. Any particle that tries to come into contact with it will be blasted away, being conditioned by the instance of matter. Then for that particle, its existence within its existence would declare that that particular location involves certain or uncertain consequences which then alters the state of its existence. Had the hammer been still, the particle would have existed as it would have according to prior circumstances in its universe. Conclusion: every movement alters the universe for one other universe or other universes. As a universe has existed before, the introduction of new information declares simultaneity in existence, declaring space, declaring gravity, and declaring energy. The movement that has occurred here on earth will take billions of years to dispel. The microcosmos will generate hydrogen, the hydrogen will collide and create carbon eventually, and new life will come from the hands of our ancestors, billions of lightyears away on the other side of the universe when it occurs once again. That means that what the wise people of earth say is true: What you did in your past life indeed comes back in the next one. Take this vibration as a gentle harp. Realign your life so that the next one will be abundant for you. You need to move mountains here on this earth for them to be in place for you on the other side. Work with yourself over time, in two lives, creating a harmony that will unite in the chorus, as the center of your life becomes transcendental, one that oversees both realms of your existence, and guides the ticking earth like a pendulum hanging on a string. Be a true immortal, wake up, dream about the other side, and use its secrets to push things here on earth into place.

5. Comments and concerns

That must have been quite a read for you, so I applaud your acknowlegdements. The reason I concern myself with these thoughts is because I can’t think of anything better to do than to sit here and divulge some of the greatest things I’ve ever learned. It’s like I knew it in a past life whereas now I must translate that information back into a material form for you guys. Call me whatever you want, I’m a prophet, an apostle, a seer of souls and stars. I take the information held in the last life and I reintroduce you to it here, in the here and now on earth. I spend great amounts of energy trying to declare what was once true as true forever, but entropy is a beast to be reckoned with. She is my enemy, and my only companion here in the etherworld. Take me as you will: a completely mad man living among you, or a window through to another place that isn’t really so far away, after all. Just know that somebody’s watching you.

What if the time theory isn’t reoccuring after all?

Well, then I’m perfectly fine with the fact that I made a huge fool of myself in my few days alive and then never have to think about it ever again. But that would be too easy. How could I be formed from genetic material and have free will? The answer is I don’t. This will is that of my past universe’s choices. The information I have within me wouldn’t be there if it had never occurred at somepoint in the universe as a reaction to something. Why do we then get dreams of blue buddhas, astral elves, and other coincidences that occur in our lives? Does a seahorse dream about a porcelain buddha statue? Does it dream about the color blue?

Contradictingly, if all information is purely physical, our species would be developing organismically, wheras using our brains to calculate more information could lead to a problem-solving goliath that overruns the universe, takes control and goes on to conquer other unknowns. Otherwise the physical adaptation of our bodies will in time change due to a random circumstance (like climate) that overrides the brain to prioritize survival, degenerating our species into a more barbaric, stupid organism at the cost of peace. And that can be applied to any human situation. I suppose that can all be summed up as “a life is composed by and of the forces acted upon it.” We are all true musicians.

What if I’m wrong?

Well then, I hope I find out sooner than later because other people seem to be having a lot of fun just living their lives. I can’t help but search for something deeper, to reach into my reflection and feel the back of his back, to know that I am whole — a complete piece. Perhaps my own realm of self-reflection is too vast, and that’s why most people just get a partner to see themselves in. It makes your world a lot closer together. Until we find ourselves in something that we love to have with us in this life, the scope of the entire universe will be magnified. Take this information and use it to find yourself.

Take care

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Break Time Knowledge v1

Hey guys it’s me. Guess what? Well, I’ve been trying to figure that out for a long time. What exactly is it about life that is compelling me to continue on? I may have found my very own answer: that is to found knowledge. There’s something deeper than just exploring an infinite world. The real focus is about the journey and, not only that, but the fact that it will never end. THAT is how you gain a following, THAT is how you become driven, and THAT is how you justify your purpose. It’s about that journey you take. I’m an adventurer, a journeyer, I move around other people. I’m part of a flowing system with other adventurers. That is what makes the current of the world flow.

You may have the will, drive, intent, motivation, and desire to never stop – but WHAT will you never stop doing? WHAT is your choice? Unfortunately, that’s all I have time for today. Until next time – J

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Real Life Television

I would go through episodes voluntarily, as if some reward waited for me at the end.

But all that came was a false reality. I was literally running programs.

And the worst part was that I physically acted out these episodes until they were over, sparing no humility. I humiliated myself because I thought it was right, but my program was wrong, the only reason I kept going down these pathways was because they were the paths of least resistance – it was easy – but the problem was that I always reached a point of depression.

So that’s where following your thoughts gets you. It either gets you in trouble or nowhere at all. The reason is because the vision in our head does not always line up with life’s funny intricacies. We have to constantly be battling what bothers us. If we allow negative things to come into our lives, that is the side we’ll become polarized with. I’ll tell you, following your thoughts down the rabbithole gets you nowhere but depressed and alone. You need a reality to post up with. If all you follow are dreams, you’ll knock down the pillars that hold up reality. Point said.

I used to get so involved with things that bothered me because I was convinced I could make things right. All that did was leave me broken, and the problem was still there! Now, when we try to fix things, we might go to great lengths to ensure it get’s done. Anybody ever detail the inside of a car from start to finish? Well, I’ll tell you I have and my arms were starting to get real shaky at the end. I ran out of sugar – I didn’t nurture myself. What could have been an enjoyable chore turned out to be something I never wanted to do again! So that’s why we should nurture ourselves, so we can keep up with our busy, busy lives and come back the next day!

So, before every thought I had today I asked myself “do I want an episode out of this?” or, “is this an episode?”. Constantly I was on this, all day. But it worked! My entire day went smoothly because I was watching my moods. When I realized that my moods were just reactions to situations, I never made the opportunity for a situation to come up! It’s really that simple!

That’s all I have for you today, folks. I’m leaning toward focusing this blog as a recovery from depression page. I always wanted to see somebody’s real journey from depressed to successed (coined) so I guess I’ll just have to be the one that goes ahead and does it!

As a closer:

You cannot ignore what’s around you. You can’t just “watch an episode” and have it be okay in the end. No, our actions have repercussions.

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My Journey Through 5 Steps of Change

Have you ever wondered just what real change looks like? Below you can check out the phases/stages I went through.

Step 1 – I Realized the Need for Change

picture of a lion cub perched on a branch looking intently
Photo creds: Pixabay

Once I realized that I needed to change, I began taking small actions. I made sure they were noticeable – getting rid of a chair made me able to see the other side of my room. In this way I primed myself for a big change that I was going to make. Think of it like a farmer’s field; if you don’t put in the work, you don’t get a crop at the end of the year. Like a garden, you must water it everyday if you expect to get a delicious juicy tomato.

Another thing I did was eliminate distractions. Bye, bye, Facebook. For many, this is where the journey for change ends. If you really want to succeed in the future, you have to sacrifice the present. The alternative is something all too familiar, like a cousin who’s been couch surfing way too long – and his name is Mediocrity.

Step 2 – I Built the Courage to Change

photo of a very long wooden bridge suspended over forest canopy
Photo creds: Sven Huls on Pexels

The first rule of change – don’t be afraid of it. Let me explain.

If you were to open up a business, how would you go about doing that? You’d probably take all the necessary steps up until you hit a roadblock. What’s the roadblock? Ding ding ding! That’s right! It’s change!

I’m telling you how we may sacrifice the greater good due to fear.

Be courageous by knowing fear. Then conquer it. You are the master of your life, after all.

The personal relation to my life is my anxiety of large gatherings. Parties, fairs, jobs. After a long depression, I realized I always had this fear, however I was much more energetically capable to pull off a confrontation when I was younger. Requiring a steady job has forced me to confront my fears daily – no more backing out, I had to build the courage. Life hit me in the face like a mass-extinction comet. Since the old way of living wasn’t going to work anymore, I had to buckle up and embrace the onslaught of changes head-on.

Step 3 – I Implemented Change

photo of a fist held toward the sky, showing indignance and might
Photo by Luis Quintero from Pexels

Change is scary, AND you don’t have to be afraid of it.

I always wanted to laugh really hard at something somebody did or said. My deeply-engrained prejudices always held me back. It’s like there’s a boundary between; first, what they did, second; some set of old, complex, and useless thoughts, and finally; a skewed representation of how I really felt about the event. That has been my life up until now. It sucks, and it’s time to change.

Life is too short not to laugh, slap a knee, and appreciate other people.

Every day I tried rewiring my old programming, moving into rather than away from change. Very slowly I began to get used to things that were not apart of my life before, but that I needed, like close physical connection.

Step 4 – Getting Used to Change

photo of two young ladies performing a popular gesture called the dab
Photo by Thunyarat Klaiklang from Pexels

Once I realized that change is an important and integral part of growth, I got used to it. I just said, “okay sure, change me up.” Change is everywhere in life. I’m sure you can look back and see all the major moments in your life that were the results of change.

I’ve also had times where I recognized that change comes and goes. It’s exciting, really.

Take a look at this picture I took of an open door. It was like it was calling me.

That’s my room. And I live in a very erratic household. My big change is going to be to leave.

Step 5 – Maintaining Change

photo of many gears in a machine
Photo creds: Pixabay

Maintaining is the fun part because it is like a challenge. It’s like a way of forging your character.

The key to maintaining your new life is to find things that you enjoy. It sounds cheesy and it’s true. For me, it’s writing and researching or simply looking up what a word means and then keeping that in mind for a while. I also found out that I need to stimulate my brain intellectually because of my love for education, so I listen to the classic writers or read more contemporary non-fiction. To maintain change, you must never leave behind your joys.

There are ups and downs in life. When you’re down low, try to remember the power that change has and use it as a tool. Sometimes the cost of change is great, and other times it doesn’t cost much. The fact that change is a part of life is a testament to embrace it more fully.

Note for struggling individuals: If you are experiencing toxicity in your life, I can’t express enough the fact that you change your situation. If you can’t determine if you’re in a toxic relationship or not, I’m going to tell you from experience that if you think you are – you are. Don’t make the mistake I did and spend years trying to be the backbone of something that is trying to break you down.


No matter where you are, you always have the ability to give. To be honest, that’s how I was able to change. I kept giving my best to people and eventually, all the good parts they saw in me were reflected back to me. I had a very poor self-image. That’s why it’s crucial to make connections outside of your comfort zone. On the same hand it did take around 6 months to start seeing results. So stick with it for a while. You can do it. It really is worth the effort.

Final Words

Thank you for reading! I want to be able to open up to my audience, because I want my audience to open up to me. Therefore if you are having any questions, concerns, doubts or fears do not hesitate to reach out to me. I made that mistake going through hardships. My email is on my Contact page.

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Hi, and welcome to my site. After many months of thinking, I finally made the decision to start a blog. The goal here is to document my journey with an avoidant personality disorder. I’m determined to find out if this thing can be conquered, and I’m going to upload everything I can to help scientists develop a greater understanding of such an apparently rare condition. It would be my honour to pose as a testament for a functioning afflicted individual. That being said, it is going to be a very challenging endeavour for me to be brutally honest about my day-to-day experiences and thoughts, but one adage rings true: the truth will set you free. For twenty-three years I’ve been challenged by the unexplainable. It seems only logical to adopt this as a gift, then, a “thorn in my side,” to make me more resilient.

Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:10

In life there are many pains, while some of them are too great to bear. I always say: the tree that knew not of the wind knew not of his roots.

Beginning today I will post updates on my journey through life. It won’t be easy. It will be extremely difficult for me. I will heave and ho, I’ll even scream and shout. My soul will cower in fear. My heart will race like a hummingbird. My strength will some day rise, like the noonday sun.

To give you a rundown of what having a personality disorder is like, it looks like this: most people have an edge, I have a doorway. There is no boundary to me. Nothing sets me apart. I absorb a person’s depression, joy, anger, psychosis, hate, and love. I am …

Trust me, no one else on this earth is more disappointed in themselves than I am. I am a fury, the judge of my actions. My mind is apart from my soul, my body is caught in warfare. How could I not be fury manifest?

Well, there is hope. What is it for me? Come see for yourself.